I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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