Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
