If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
