She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
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I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
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Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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