i already hear my dad disowning me
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
