No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
