I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
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