I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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