Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
