either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
