the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
