I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
