just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
