well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
