i need an iv and a liver transplant
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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