We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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