Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
