Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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