i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
