hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
