I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
