Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
