Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
