i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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