Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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