I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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