his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The police scanner is talking about you again....
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
