Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
