Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
