I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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