So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
my sisters under your porch take her home
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
