all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
