I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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