Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
