I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
