When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
