I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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