I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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