New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
