You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
