How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
