Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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