Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
