theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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