I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
