Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
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I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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