Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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