Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
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Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
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I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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