You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
