i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
