just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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