So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
