I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
