That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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