rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
