DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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