Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
