remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
