Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
So many bounce houses so little time
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
