This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
