she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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