Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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