If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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