So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
How's work?
Spinning.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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