I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
