Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I can tuck mytits in my pants
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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